Advice when you are the "bad guy" in someone else's story

Take it from a trans woman who is the villain in a lot of people's stories. The only opinion that matters, is yours.

Think of the experiences you have as basically training to help you get there. Do you see yourself as the villain? Why? In my own case, what I have learned is that it only hurts if I also believe it myself. So I need to come to understand why I believe these negative things about myself, and that is what the simulation is here for. It is the space for us to explore these things.

There of course can be many different reasons why you believe it. It could be anything from you lacking confidence in yourself (in the case that the accusations are false), to you having opportunity to grow (in the case that the accusations hold some truth). But it is up to you to work through the why and to find truth in the matter. And that takes time. You cannot be expected to instantly be at the end of your journey. It takes time and repetition to realign yourself and embed the necessary changes, but as long as your intentions are truly set on being the best version of you that you can be, eventually you will get there, and you will have confidence to stand strong in who you are :) When that happens, you can't be hurt. You can't take offense. You are just at peace, as you are a fully realized person!

A lot of great advice and words on here. I know what you've gone through, and as others have said, you appear to be doing well. Keep going, I second apologizing where possible, it does much for everyone involved and reduces your own thoughts regarding the matter, freeing you up to focus on more important things.

Good luck! Be well.

Hi Wasket! You asked such a good question! I can really relate to it right now actually. I recently had an event where I was painted as a bad guy who was love bombing, and all I was really trying to do was avoid the situation, I really didn't wanna block my friend but they wouldn't stop. I wanted to express to my friend at the time that I still loved them and was there, but didn't want to engage with what they had to say to me. I had said this to them already but it was ignored. What I should have done from the very start was state my boundaries and then be firm about the consequence when the boundary was crossed. Instead, I let it go too long and tried to treat the situation with just a lot of love instead of respecting how terrible it was all making me feel. Even now, I am still feeling pretty bad, like why did this happen to me? I don't feel good about any of it and I don't think there will be a resolution. So what I am going to do is just keep going, I guess! Try to learn from it, try to understand where my boundaries are now, and stand up for myself better in the future, be my own friend before anyone else.

I am really proud of you, for standing up for yourself. I am sorry that you are painted as such a villain now :< That makes me so sad, because you are one of the sweetest people I know! Usually in these situations, I would want to just avoid it, and try to just not think about it anymore. It doesn't sound like you can do that though! So here is what I think you can do. You can think about how you handled it, and where you are now. You are away from all that. You stood up for yourself. They are only responding like that because they feel the impact of the loss of you in their life. You don't need to participate in their bull shit anymore if you don't want to! You do not ever have to forget what someone does to you, but to forgive is something you should do if you haven't already. This is something I can help you with, if you wish! I hope all this made sense. I was trying to convey that I think I understand a little bit, and I am sorry for what you are going through. You are good, and kind, and wise. You have lots of friends here who would never think those horrible things about you! You have to focus on what you think about yourself, how you feel about yourself. Anything else anyone feels, or thinks, is just... like their opinion, man. :) I love you Wasket, hang in there!

I would not say that our suffering is an "illusion" per se. As we experience it, it feels very real.

I once had a therapist that was doing DBT with me and went over something really helpful with me.

He explained that when you feel "bad" feelings, it should be understood that every feeling you have is Reasonable. It came from somewhere, and there is some logic/reason behind what you are feeling. The more important consideration would be, is the feeling or ways you could react to the feeling justifiable? That is to say, is continuing to feel that way harmful to you or others, and is how you are dealing with that feeling justified?

Because, the thing is, especially when the context is needing to stand up for yourself in times of abuse, yes, sometimes your strong, or emotional reaction, is justified to an extent in terms of your continued safety or self preservation. It can, however, go too far.

It helps to examine your feelings and actions without judgment at first. Do you think someone in your shoes would feel the same way? If the answer is yes, then why shame yourself for that feeling?

It can also help to have a sense of humor and reflection when doing this, though do not judge yourself necessarily. But, let's take me for an example. Recently someone called me "a vampire" in a really shitty way. Examining it, I would say this person went "too far" but they are not incorrect that sometimes my desires are reasonable, but the way I might chase them or force them is not always justifiable.

So, whatever, maybe I am a vampire. I guess that makes me Lady Dimitrescu.

Point being, while both of the people involved there could have done better, it helped me to ultimately reflect on my shit and own some of it.

In your example, when dealing with cults, it is pretty normal for an escapee's reactions to be really strong and emotional. However, I think most would agree, that speaking out against a cult, no matter the consequences, is a noble and swell thing to do. Maybe you were a bit of an asshole at some point, but own it. Have a sense of humor about it. Reflect on some ways you might do things differently, forgive yourself, and move on.

Nova Stella made a great point too, that at every point in your many, many lives, you will maybe be doing the wrong thing, being unjustifiable. That does not mean you have to put up with other people doing that to you, but it can help to recognize that when you are walking away from conflict and reflecting on ways to go about it better.

It sounds to me like you're doing great already, you've stood your ground, you are not holding onto unnecessary anger in spades, you acknowledge a side of your adversaries. That is all that can really be done.

It sounds to me like you are lonely, and some support would go a long way. Perhaps there's a community in real life away from that cult which would provide that? Just a suggestion. People's shitty words cease to matter as much when you know you have acceptance otherwise.

Thank you. I've been feeling a bit misunderstood----sometimes it is hard to keep pushing forward (and upward) during these times.

Suffering begets empathy begets love/compassion begets comfort begets addictions/selfishness begets suffering. It all resonates to peace. Idk just my take. It's all peace. No light or dark only light/dark :)

For one, your growth is astonishing and you've clearly come a long way. Letting go of hate, of any kind, is difficult. Letting go of anger, of any kind, is also difficult. Letting go of pain, of any kind, is difficult as well.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

Truly, I say, do nothing! Now, this may seem counterintuitive, but when I say do nothing I don't mean quite literally do nothing, but moreso don't give any energy to the individuals/situation/thoughts. Don't react internally nor externally; calculate, process, and simply try to observe and understand.

When a feeling arises from painful, negative experiences, don't fight the emotions. Don't fight the people in your mind. Don't struggle and resist. Simply BE. Observe your emotions. What are you feeling? Why exactly, down to the root of the cause, are you feeling that way? Is it limiting and hurting yourSelf to constantly put so much mental energy into these situations, people, views, etc?

Because, really, truly, there are no villains anywhere in the world. How can you be a villain? There are Beings who do bad things and consistently do bad things, but it is likely the case at some point down the journey of that Being they weren't always so 'bad.' All People, All Things, All Life go through traumatic, painful experiences. Pain, when We let it chain and hold Us hostage, only leaves 'scars where the shackles and chains once were.' Everyone has a motive behind an action, whether consciously or unconsciously. Often, for pained individuals, their motive will arise as: Reactions due to feeling like they're in the same past situation/feeling, balled up anger due to a life of resentment, lack of self-worth manifesting as an external projection towards other individuals, and many many more of course.

So, I ask, when you know who you are, why you do any actions, why you carry yourself in certain ways, why you look at life through the lens that you do, when you know the stories people are telling are most often likely a distortion of the true events that occured, why should what anyone else have to say (when negative) affect your mind-body-spirit? (Not questioning in a negative way, but to put in perspective YOU KNOW YOURSELF BEST. No one else's opinion, especially when negative and hurtful, should matter to you (Of course, constructive, loving, or opinions of growth can be valued) Duality, always, is one of the biggest distortions to overcome, clearly, as it manifests incredibly grossly in every form. (Childlock on Truth haha)

In every form, in the infinite amount of parallel lives that exist, you've existed as both abuser and victim, as imperial and colonizer, taken from and the one doing the taking along with everything in between. You exist as Everything, for you are Everything, friend, so how can anything hold you back any longer should you Will it not to?

What Arahant said about apologizing is very good as well: Know you aren't always apologizing for the other person's sake, but you can also apologize for your sake as well. You can apologize in your mind, "I'm sorry you feel that way towards me, but, the way you paint me isn't an accurate representation of who I am."

This plays into forgiveness as well, as often in the case of forgiveness one isn't forgiving to appease the otherSelf who harmed you, but rather forgiving to let go of the energy and harm that was done to the Self (in all it's forms.) There is no reason to hang onto anything, for you are a Free Spirit, shall you will it.

Know you are strong, you are loved, and most importantly, you aren't a villain. You do not have to conform to anyone else's view, and when they are distorted views such as the ones of the otherSelves who have harmed and lied about you, you absolutely do not have to let them push you into the tiny box they try to put you in!

Much love to you, you can do anything! 🤍

It's rough with that ngl. I've been the bad guy enough times in people's stories to tell you that you shouldn't care that much if you are a real person 💯 Lotta people, yknow fake people and those sort will hate you for being real. Sometimes family and friends might not understand you either. Only so much you can do yknow what I mean. You gotta do the best you can do. I used to get very angry when I was younger. Roger really. Lot of times I was right but the cost was too much. I calmed down since then but believe it, I was the bas guy in multiple people's stories then. I'm rambling. What I'm trying to say is you gotta do you and be ok with it. If you're being an OK person and living with your truths then go on, do your thing, and make the best out the simulation by enjoying it where you can.

In the first case, if the other party is not inherently malicious, secretly sending them love is fine, but consider saying "I'm sorry" once. It doesn't have to be 100% sincere—just enough to convey even a small part of your feelings. Regardless of how they respond, you will feel much lighter. This isn't as serious, but whenever my wife is upset, this method works 100% of the time 😘

But that doesn’t mean you have to truly believe you did something wrong. It could be a misunderstanding, or the other person might actually be malicious. In the latter case, distancing yourself from them is an act of self-protection.

It must have been painful to lose so many friends. But don’t forget—there are always people out there who like you 🥰