TJ intro, part one. It all turns out fine, but this is a little heavy

Dichotomy of "my" life

-the "constant" struggle"

"we were all just being, until some ass hole opened the box, collapsed our shared function and made us individual constants" ,Not Me/Me

Let me preface this with gratitude, love, humility, and the idea that we are all truly one. I apologize for propagating the use of this oppressive language, and any resulting miscommunications. i will use gendered speech and conjugated tenses, but my goal is to eventually rediscover/develope a free language system some day. This may be difficult to read due to trauma, anger, fear still disrupting my energies. The key personal ideas i would like to share in this document are my perspective on my childhood, education, and adult life, prior to recent "contact". again, despite the language i use i truly believe we are all one, and all is love. i humbly know nothing, as beliefs are evolving and to believe is to be dead.

Only now am i starting to see the true nature of duality, or so it feels. Suffering begets empathy, empathy begets love, love results in harmony(source)? I have suffered in silence what feels like my entire life, only to perceived as a person of privilege. I dont have many childhood memories, but ill do my best to share some moments that have always stuck with me, some finally resolving. My mother always said i was sweet child, creative, loving, curious, but as an adult i have felt like a husk wallowing in self loathing, util the light found me again.Even then it can creep back in. My first prominent unexplainable memory occurred when i was 4 or 5. I was looking out a window through a stained glass window shining a prism of light into the room. What always stood out was not the memory, but the lack thereof an resulting confusion. Around the same time, i rember having a strange dream best described as watching the darkest black "ink/ooze" spread slowly across a pure white canvass. As a child i interpreted this as chaos, i forget what emotion it stirred. Now i see it as the constant entropy of this existence. There were always owls around me, hooting all night terrifying me. I would have nightmares they would break in my windows and tear at my face. My mother was loving, my father was troubled with generational trauma but a fairly constant providing figure. i love him today. My grandparnts are of bohemian, scandanavian, Greek, and English descent, idk how relevant it is, but htink it may be. When i was 5/6 is when things started to get confusing. I was enrolled at Montessori, and remember being dragged into a room kicking and screeming. i told my mom but still had keep going. i dont have clear memories of this event, but i register it as unexplained trauma. This trauma/ my autism? made it difficult to socialize at school, yet paradoxically people would be attracted to me and i would freak out at having to socialize, more or less. I was the nerd with glasses reading, and scratching my head obsessively as the dandruff piled on my desk. 5th grade i had a tonsillectomy procedure, all i rember is feeling very empty and sad after with no explanation. The most traumatic event happened when i was probably 10 ish. I was laying in bed, and i feddenly felt this overwhelming dread and literally felt like a ghost was assaulting me and imprinting evil into me. Try explaining that to anyone... My brother was asleep walker most of his childhood. One day my dad started to yell at us for getting the ceiling "greasy". there were weird ass foot prints all over the ceiling of his room. i was almost abducted while out riding my bike with friends, luckily my intuition saved me. oh and i have always had scary dreams, typically falling into grand canyon but awaking before death. In middle school the physical bullying and anger at life got the better of me and i beame a racist against the Mexicans who would pick on me for being white. I reflected this anger onto my younger brother, one of my biggest regrats in life. Even as a child i felt aware i was acting "unethically", but too emotional to stop myself. The awareness led to me accumulating loads of guild that burried my self love, happiness, excitement, and love for life. Worth noting, around this time a met a "best friend", same age as me. Long story short, and humbly speaking, this person was the epitome of gluttony, perversion, untruth, love essentially. Given my general confusion, guilt, and lack of self worth, i ultimatly let this person abuse me. Most heinously i let this person convince me to abuse others. It took me 10 years of suffering in self pity and low self esteem, and the reality of the person being convicted for posession of heinous material. Whiile in that dark time, i experienced sleep paralysis where i thought i saw a "gargoyle" staring at me. likely about 3 times. i was also abusing perscription drugs, otc drugs, and tink i tried mushrooms without good intent as well. I also had at least 2 moments where i though i woke up with a round implant in right shin, and few strange scars on back. Ironically the lady i was dating then, pushed me to continue to be friends with him, granted she didnt know extent. I never did. Anyway Guilt, guilt, guilt, begining of drug use, self abuse. All the while smiling, acting normal as to not stress my loved ones, getting good grades, but restricting my self from building deep loving relationships. It may worth noting i went to a small prep school that provided a good learning experience. The Motto" think about what your thinking about" was used a lot. An even that stick out more now than ever is when we had guest speaker on ethics come it. They went over the pathos, logos, ethos meathods of debate and then presented a hypothetical. "IF THIR WAS A CHIMICAL WE COULD ADD TO CHOCOLATE TO MAKE TASTE 100X BETTER, BUT IT HAD TO BE OBTAINED BY MAKING PUPPIES SUFFER, WOULD IT BE ETHICAL?" i tought it was to get us to think about the ethics of veganism, but now it provoke another layer...Of course, i rejected the lesson and fell in line eating mcdonalds even though i had the knoledge to decide not too. Even then i realizedthe suffering of many others( i really hate seeing animals suffer) was greather than mine, and was content to just try my best to be invisible and not recieve "undeserved attention". I never really felt depressed as detached or "shut down", no suicidal ideation or attempts. What hts me know is that on one hand i had a priveledged life, and on the other i was suffering in silence with all the support around me i couldnt ask. Now is a good time to remind my self and you that i do love my self now as well as the world around me! Edit, to add random factoid. I usually have a strong internal monologue going in my thoughts, narating, conversing back and forth. tests and fixing things seem easy to me, like i can solve the "meta" and get answers by looking at the "whole picture".

Entering College i still had negative self talk that kept me from doing anything grand per say. I worked for my uncles concrete business in the summers and started to attend community college. Around this time i had fallen in with a group of friends that were openminded free souls, happy. it was great, but unfamilliar, and i ultimatly pushed them away. One of these people i believe was put there for a reason. Even though we were only 19 he was a shaman of sort. He grew mushrooms, and we extracted dmt. i was terrified of the unknow out come many times while partaking, but glad i had a reasurring friend to help me. Pretty sure hes in tune with all this now. I began to open my mind to the possibilities of the unkown more and more. Dmt left me with vision of fractalized grid and opend my mind to the feeling of escaping reality. At this age i didnt know to set intent and had many conflicting experiences with psylocybin. One experience that stands out, is passing out while on psylocybin. I was on my back looking up at a bringht light, with who i fel were my family around staring at me. there was information transfer though hard to tell what, fro what felt like 3 months... but in reality only 10 min or so. Around this time a girl i went o highschool with told me she was writing a comic book about me... lol again, the attention scared me and i hid in the shadows avoiding her. looking back she was quiet unscocial and likely a tortured soul as well. i wish i had been more welcoming and open, i now think she was taking a big step out of her comfort zone to help me out. I was drawn to study biology, chemistry, and spanish culture and recieved a bachelors with accrediations in each. Around this time i was starting to move past my traumas, unadressed, and had a pretty uneventful time. School, work, drink too much.

While working in concrete, i found solace in the pain of the physical work and company in the presence of mexicans,... from mexico. With their friendship and some good professors i became fluent in spanish and fostered a love for meso american cultures. this is good place to introduce the idea that my uncle was always working 12+ hrs day, kind but extra stern to me. Showed me how to have fun too and enjoy the fruits of your labor. i graduated and began to look for jobs in bio industry, but i didn't want to be a "human robotic arm" simply doing the same task over and over, and was greedy so kept with concrete. Again,i was smart and educated, but lacked the confidence to take the risk in a new career.

Ive never used my degrees professionally,soalmente espanol, but dont regret the time i spent working on them. I graduated at 26, 2 years off and 1 dui later... around or the same year my uncle died. He was diabetic and a workaholic, and it caught up with him. I showed up to my aunts house for dinner, and after he didnt show o call for a few hrs i decided to go check the work office. He was passed out in a diabetic coma, unconscious but breathing. I already assumed he was brain defunct but held him in my lap telling him how much he was loved while calling my aunt and the paramedics. long story short, i shepped up ran the business. i ran it well at the start prioritizinfg employee welfare. the stress did lead to breaking up with a special woman, A. After about 4 years of working in the same office with the same pissed stained carpet from that night i held my uncle dieing, drinking heavily, i started to change for the worse. The constant focus on money and time left me empty as i was as a child. I ultimately tried to take my life while intoxicated and high.it was like i was watching myself ruin my life and throw away opportunity after opportunity with out being able to stop it. im not sure if i stopped it or if i just popped back in. but that night i had the most beautiful dream that my uncle was back, helping me through life as he always did. I felt like a burden was lifted and my alcoholism stopped, for a few years... i should note both my moms parents died leading up to this too, so it felt like was losing a lot of light and guidance. in the preceeding years i began to see the paradox of work. i started to travel and pursue hobbies instead of money. I was healing, but drinking crept back. at this time i began to get back in touch with, A. ill continue in another doc about a brief history of A and I, recent events, and how i see the subjects of genetics, ecology, chemistry, physics, anthropology, and random syncronicities connecting us all to the bigger picture. Thanks for the kind, grounded, passionate, and creative energies you all inspire. I will just say now that all suffering begets love in the end, and will touch on what ideas have helped me heal the most. i love those that supported me, and am striving to truly love myself and my abusers. a new idea on ethics that came to me makes this a little easier. i dont need pity, we are all one, i am healing day by day in part thanks to this amazing community. my mind is exhausted and my memory has always been foggy. im speaking from the heart, but the time line may be a little off. ending with LOVE,LOVE,LOVE